Not Quite the Facts:  A Comedy of Errors

Space, the physical world, the human body, chemistry, plant life, medicine
-- these are just a few of the subjects under the broad umbrella of science.
This month, we focus not on scientific facts themselves, but on students'
sometimes hilarious misunderstandings or misinterpretations of those facts.
This sampling was sent to us from AskPopSci@aol.com.


When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire.

For a head cold:  Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in
your throat.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free
state.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin. 
Hydrogin is gin and water.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

H20 is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative.

The moon is a planet just like Earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the
abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of
which there are five -- a, e, i, o, and u.

This pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and
the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends
toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature
abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is.

For fainting:  Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest
medical doctor.

Equator:  A managerie lion running around Earth and through Africa.

Germinate:  To become a naturalized German.

Liter:  A nest of young puppies.

Magnet:  Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Momentum:  What you give a person when they are going away.

Rhubarb:  A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum:  A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed:  Put the nose lower than the body until the heart
stops.

To prevent contraception:  Wear a condominium.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.